Deck the Polls (with boughs of folly)

This Sunday at approximately 10pm (Monday morning for us living in “the future”), the short-term destiny of yet another small and random country will be decided. It will not be a significant event in world history, nor will it change the fate of humanity at large. For the most part, it will only provide some interesting trivia at dinner parties and a chance to show off in front of that special someone. For some, however, it will mean much more. At that time, Chile in all its anorexic glory will welcome a new president with open hands (and possibly the customary Molotov cocktails provided by our dear lumpen).

I would assume most readers to my humble blog are fairly clueless about Chilean politics, much in the same way I am clueless about local politics in, say, Gambia. Perhaps some will have heard about the infamous General Pinochet. Others might be aware of the 9/11 1973 coup-de-etat, and fewer still might know about the short-term effect of President Frei’s land-reform policies in rural communities at the pinnacle of radicalism in the 1960s. The fact remains that not many people know about modern Chilean politics, with the possible exception of crazed poncho-garbed Latin American Studies graduates (who always specialise in Peru or Colombia anyway).

In an effort to educate the masses and make sure that you, too, can bore others to tears (including that girl you wanted to impress), here’s a little run through of the main contenders for this year’s tricolour sash:

Michelle Bachellet

Political analysts, statisticians and other wizards agree that Ms. Bachellet has the highest chances of winning the first electoral round. A member of the “concertación,” an alliance of left-wing parties, including the Christian Democrats (DC) and the Socialist Party (PS), she is widely supported by many sectors of the population. Her widespread popularity is due to two main factors: 1) She is the daughter of a famous air-force official assassinated during the dictatorship and 2) she is the first woman to ever run for president in Chile. Her past closeness to tragedy, ‘simple middle-class mother’ public image and progressive views bring her closer to the sectors who suffered the most during Pinochet’s reign of terror (except, perhaps, for communist militants). Furthermore, the fact that she is female appeals to great masses of downtrodden women and sexual minorities in what is a particularly chauvinistic and conservative society. Some maintain that a skirt in La Moneda Palace would upset traditional social and political mores in a country blighted by conflicts related to codpiece bulk.

Points in Favour: She will continue with the work of the current government, making sure that several social policies –especially in regard to health, transport and education- escape private interests, and help to address the unfair distribution of income.

Points Against: La Moneda will be closed for a week each month, when the President will be unavailable to address “touchy” subjects. Expect laws ensuring leaves of absence for feminine reasons. (Conversely, it is estimated this will produce a welcome boom in the chocolate and romantic novel industries).

Joaquin Lavin

The George Bush of Chile, Joaquin Lavin is a devout Catholic and an ardent Opus Dei militant. In fact, his religious convictions are so strong he resembles the closest thing to a South American Ayatollah. As could be expected, he is also a staunch conservative and a right-wing nutter (some would say, a few rigatoni short of Il Duce). He is a member of the Union Democrata Independiente (UDI), conformed by wealthy industrialists and “Pinochetistas” (pro-dictatorship). In short, it's a party with as much social vision as Bush’s kleptocracy in the US. While many consider them to be an anachronism in Chilean politics, the girth of their financial muscle and flagrant nepotism are overwhelming.
A former candidate in the last presidential election, Lavin has been pushing for a place in La Moneda for what seems an eternity. Needless to say, everyone is tired of his populist rants and demagogical fascism, as well as his personal history of Pinochetismo (which he now denies). Although he came to a close second place 6 years ago, his popularity has been dwindling constantly since then, especially after the Pinochet-Riggs case last year. Sudden humiliation and sullen desperation have seen him unleash his venomous tongue repeatedly against the other candidates in public.

Points in Favour: He is a good Catholic, and believes in helping the needy.

Points Against: In Lavin’s utopia, the rich hold sumptuous charity banquets of pheasant and game to give the less-fortunate cans of tuna in brine. Heathens get gizzard salad.

Sebastian Piñera

A candidate for the Renovacion Nacional (RN) party, Piñera belongs to a different strand of conservatism than his counterpart Lavin. Millionaire extraordinaire, Piñera has the financial backing of the industrialists and enjoys the popular benefits of an anti-Pinochetista. To many, he is the modern incarnation of former President Alessandri, a very popular conservative in the 1920s and 30s, who successfully addressed many social issues with a mix of private and public policies.
Early this year Piñera stirred the ranks of the right wing by running for election, thus bringing an end to the “Alianza por Chile,” an alliance between the RN and UDI parties who originally supported Lavin as the only right-wing candidate. Since then, relations with his political adversaries have been difficult, and many of his former friends have turned their backs on him. In spite of this, polls have shown his support grow in the last few months, even surpassing Lavin at times.

Points in Favour: He is a good conservative. If Piñera gets to La Moneda, economic policies turned to privatization of public enterprises may increase their value and efficiency. He is also a famed environmentalist, and thus massive tracts of land would privatised and protected from illegal loggers and industrial interests.

Points Against: He is a good, rich conservative. His policies would fail to address the single biggest problem in Chilean society, which is the unfair distribution of income. His environmental policies could also backfire under the pressure of multinationals, free-trade agreements and industrialist lobbying from his close circle of friends.

Tomas Hirsch

Hirsch is the man no one really knows, the humanist rebel who has been present in the past three elections and failed to get more than a tiny fraction of the votes. He is a member of a left-wing alliance between the humanists (his own party), radicals (PR) and communists (PC). His popularity has increased somewhat in the last few months, especially after the death of the communist leader, Gladys Marin. His support is discrete, but he could well be a worthy adversary in the future. Or so it has been predicted for the last 15 years.

Points in Favour: He is the right on candidate supported by hippies, environmentalists, artsy people and liberal lefties in general.

Points Against: Unfortunately for him, these are the same people who are usually too stoned to vote in the elections.

And that’s it. I hope you have been enlightened in your understanding of the sordid world of Chilean politics. Good luck in your dinner parties!